ode to my brother

Till now,your death is still a family secret. Maybe it was all an accident or someone should be blamed. But the thing is, I don't know what had happened that day. Anyway, Im all grown up now. Finish a college degree acquired a license thanks to you, But dear brother I still dont have a job. It pisses me off when our dear mother cooks her deliciously made soup,yet I the eldest can't put something on the table. I've done everything in my reach to acquire a job,did I made a mistake somewhere. Everyone so eager for me. Like people comparing me with their friends friends or childrens friends. They compared me to those who have successfully made life so easy. But one thing they missed to see,the big picture. Some of their friends friends,childrens friends carreer are short live. Everyone so eager to hit the jackpot now that they fail to see the future.When will I venture into this?that I don't know,but hell I am sticking with my plan. Or am I? Enough of that. Our sister doing great, she's still a brat like before but still she is our sister. I know she will go farther places than her kuya. Though she still aint able to manage her anger at least at home. Father is still aiming for the easy jackpot, and into gamefowls. It just make sick sometimes that I should be the one to feed and take care of his gamefowls. Mother is still the best,though her temper is quite irritating.

I do envy you, you died so young. You died not knowing how it's gonna be the eldest. Not knowing how people will treat you,ridiculed,rejected and praised . Not knowing how to fall and be reached by someone who in your mind is the last person to reach out for you. Its a hard life dear brother, somehow I do hope that I didn't make it up this far. Somehow I wish I am with you on the other side. But there are times that I really hope you were still the eldest. Able to accompany me, Teach me things that you ought to know first. Be the one who will catch me when our parents scold me, The one who will go to the principals office in order to bail me out. Thanks for everything though, you inspire me to live the life that you left.